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Quarreling with the text? - Renewal in the Arts

Jan. 18th, 2005

06:13 pm - Quarreling with the text?

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Spontaneous, though edited, response to parables' poem below. Content and grammar critique appreciated.

i once was a leper
jesus loves me glory amen
go show yourselves to the priest he said
jesus loves me glory amen
depends on which priest you talk to
some would still call me leper -
although jesus loves loves me glory amen -
because my skin is a rainbow

when i turned back to thank him
jesus loves me glory amen
i found i could not help but fall place myself at his feet
because jesus loves me glory amen

he was real
jesus loves me glory amen
flesh real tears and sweat like blood nails thorns
jesus loves me glory amen
wounded healer stands beside me now lives inside me now
and o how i love jesus
because he first loved me

makes me wonder -
though jesus loves them glory amen -
what he thinks of rich white men
who smack people on their foreheads with
jesus loves you glory amen
when they send the masses away still broken -
oh they have little faith say they
while the saints cling even weep to
jesus loves me glory amen

o thou foolish men am i
but (sing)o how i love jesus
o how i love jesus
o how i love jesus
because he first loved me(/sing)

jesus loves me glory amen

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

Comments:

From:parables
Date:January 19th, 2005 02:39 am (UTC)
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Interesting use of stage directions. I like it. Towards the beginning, the occurrences of "Jesus loves me glory amen" seem a bit awkward. I like how you use them towards the end though.
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From:spiritboi
Date:January 19th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC)
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Which ones are you referring to? I think it got a little less awkward because about a third of the way down I realised I was preaching a sermon, not trying to write a prayer. ;)
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From:parables
Date:January 19th, 2005 11:50 pm (UTC)
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I would take out the second, fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth(?) and last instances:



i once was a leper
jesus loves me glory amen
go show yourselves to the priest he said

depends on which priest you talk to
some would still call me leper -
although jesus loves loves me glory amen -
because my skin is a rainbow

when i turned back to thank him
i found i could not help but fall place myself at his feet
because jesus loves me glory amen

he was real
flesh real tears and sweat like blood nails thorns
wounded healer stands beside me now lives inside me now
and o how i love jesus
because he first loved me

makes me wonder -
though jesus loves them glory amen -
what he thinks of rich white men
who smack people on their foreheads with
jesus loves you glory amen
when they send the masses away still broken -
oh they have little faith say they
while the saints cling even weep to
jesus loves me glory amen

o thou foolish men am i
but (sing)o how i love jesus
o how i love jesus
o how i love jesus
because he first loved me(/sing)



Seems to flow better that way.
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